Awkward Things Reed Employees Say

Every day interactions and conversations with Reed College Faculty, Staff, and Adminstrators.
Staff: “I really like the Doyle Owl.” Me: “Yeah, I think everyone is a fan.” Staff: “That’s exactly it. Everyone loves the Doyle Owl. They go nuts for the Doyle Owl. People will do almost anything to just be near it.” Me: “Yeah, it gets a little intense.” Staff: “I’m Jealous.” Me: “Jealous?” Staff: “I am jealous of the Doyle Owl. I want to be the Doyle Owl. That would be so great!” Me: “uhmm” Staff: “Except the random violence and kidnapping. I’m not okay with that. If I was the Doyle Owl I would want everything to be peaceful. I would be a zen Doyle Owl that just hung around so everyone could bask in my glory. I think i would really like that.” Me: “wow.”

Staff: “I really like the Doyle Owl.”

Me: “Yeah, I think everyone is a fan.”

Staff: “That’s exactly it. Everyone loves the Doyle Owl. They go nuts for the Doyle Owl. People will do almost anything to just be near it.”

Me: “Yeah, it gets a little intense.”

Staff: “I’m Jealous.”

Me: “Jealous?”

Staff: “I am jealous of the Doyle Owl. I want to be the Doyle Owl. That would be so great!”

Me: “uhmm”

Staff: “Except the random violence and kidnapping. I’m not okay with that. If I was the Doyle Owl I would want everything to be peaceful. I would be a zen Doyle Owl that just hung around so everyone could bask in my glory. I think i would really like that.”

Me: “wow.”

Staff: “Wait wait…… it’s the genitalia that always gets you.”

Staff: “Soon it will be Renn Fayre and I will feel like a dirty voyeur.”

Me: *Chuckles*

Staff: “No, seriously. “Kissing” is a vast understatement. “Kissing” would indicate that Renn Fayre could be aired on network television. It’s more of a HBO, Showtime, Cinemax event. Maybe even pay-per-view.”

Me: *outright laughs*

Adviser: “You should probably wear pants.”


Professor: “I’m not that schizophrenic.” 

Faculty- “Do you like cats?” Me- “Yeah, I’m a fan.” Faculty- “Good, because I have a cat and I really think you would like her.” Me- “That’s cool.” Faculty- “Yes. In fact I think I will have to formally introduce you to her sometime. She’s quite precocious.” Me- “Oh, okay. Sure.” Faculty- “She generally has a lot to say about about the areas of study you are interested in. You two would definitely get along.” Me- “Uhm…….”

Faculty- “Do you like cats?”

Me- “Yeah, I’m a fan.”

Faculty- “Good, because I have a cat and I really think you would like her.”

Me- “That’s cool.”

Faculty- “Yes. In fact I think I will have to formally introduce you to her sometime. She’s quite precocious.”

Me- “Oh, okay. Sure.”

Faculty- “She generally has a lot to say about about the areas of study you are interested in. You two would definitely get along.”

Me- “Uhm…….”

Is the Patriarchy Getting You Down?

Student: “The readings have been so long and hard lately.”

Faculty: “When readings are long and hard just think of it as the Patriarchy trying to keep you down.”

Student: *Blank stare*

Faculty: “Long and hard. Patriarchy. Anyone?”

Student: *chuckles*

Faculty: “Fight the Patriarchy, do your readings.”

Staff: “Those shoes are really nice. Can I wear them?” 

Employee: “The beads are sometimes called “resin” but I try avoiding that term here at Reed.”

Me- “There is a difference between first-generation college students who come from low socioeconomic backgrounds and those from high socioeconomic backgrounds that have family that happen to lack formal education.” Faculty- “So what your saying is if LeBron James sent his kids to Reed, they would definitely be in the second category?” Me- “Yes. Absolutely.” Faculty- “Wait. Are you the type of Reedie who even knows who LeBron James is?”

Me- “There is a difference between first-generation college students who come from low socioeconomic backgrounds and those from high socioeconomic backgrounds that have family that happen to lack formal education.”

Faculty- “So what your saying is if LeBron James sent his kids to Reed, they would definitely be in the second category?”

Me- “Yes. Absolutely.”

Faculty- “Wait. Are you the type of Reedie who even knows who LeBron James is?”